Relationships With Our Children

After the relationship between husband and wife, the relationship between parents and children is the most important, and the Bible tells us quite a bit about how that relationship should be. Exodus 20:12 commands, “Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.” Deuteronomy 5:16 repeated that command.  “Honour thy father and thy mother, as the LORD thy God hath commanded thee; that thy days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with thee, in the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.” Being disrespectful to ones parents is very displeasing to God.  Deuteronomy 27:16 warns, “Cursed be he that setteth light by his father or his mother…”  Billy Graham stated that “A child who does not respect his parents will never respect anyone.” 

Disrespect for one’s parents was so serious that under the Old Testament law, a child who lashed out against his parents was to be executed, whether it was a physical or a verbal attack.  Exodus 21:15 commanded, “And he that smiteth his father, or his mother, shall be surely put to death,” while Exodus 21:17 commanded, “And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death.”  One of the ways of showing respect is to obey one’s parents.   If a child consistently refuses to obey it indicates a serious lack of respect, and Deuteronomy 21:18-21 dealt with such a situation.  “If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them: Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place; And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard.  And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.”  Clearly, God took respect for one’s parents pretty seriously. 

Unfortunately, even many religious people do not consider this a serious matter.  Jesus rebuked the Jewish Pharisees for not taking it seriously in Matthew 15:4-6.  “For God commanded, saying, Honour thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death.  But ye say, Whosoever shall say to his father or his mother, It is a gift, by whatsoever thou mightest be profited by me; And honour not his father or his mother, he shall be free. Thus have ye made the commandment of God of none effect by your tradition.”  In effect, they were saying that God’s commands were less important than their customs and philosophies.  We see the same attitudes today.

God’s standards have not changed.  Ephesians 6:1-3 commands, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.  Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.”  Colossians 3:20 commands, “Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord”

When children are born, they do not know everything they need to do, and it is the parent’s responsibility to teach them.  One of the things they must learn is that there are consequences for doing wrong, and Proverbs makes some important points about this.  Proverbs 23:13-14 says, “Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.   Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.”  By teaching the child to do what is right, and punishing him when he does wrong, parents can prevent him from much worse punishment in the future, whether it be a life in prison, or eternal damnation.  Proverbs 13:24 warns, “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.”  If we deal with the problems when they first start and the children are young, it doesn’t take much to get them to do what is right, but if we wait, it becomes harder to correct their behavior.  Proverbs 19:18 advises, “Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.”  If you wait until they are older, they often just learn to hide what they are doing. 

As parents, we need to be even more careful about the standards we set for our children than we do about those we set for other people, because they have to deal with them every day.  If we set  arbitrary, inconsistent, or unrealistic standards and demand they meet them, or do not live by the same standards ourselves, the children may well be frustrated or become convinced they cannot do what they are supposed to .  Ephesians 6:4 commands, “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”  We need to make sure the standards we set actually come from God.  Why should they have to live by a standard we do not live by ourselves?   Ephesians 3:21 commands, “Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.”

Next to our mate, our children are closest to us, and thus are correspondingly a vital part of our ministry.  Paul especially emphasized this in his standards for pastors, in I Timothy 3:4-5.  “One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity; (For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?)”  If a person cannot minister to their own family, it is sure they will not be able to effectively teach others, because the principles are the same.