Learning To Empathize

Song of Solomon 8:8-14

“We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts: what shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for?  If she be a wall, we will build upon her a palace of silver: and if she be a door, we will enclose her with boards of cedar.  

I am a wall, and my breasts like towers: then was I in his eyes as one that found favour. ” (Song of Solomon 8:8-10)

In Genesis 2:24, Adam described the relationship that is to exist between husband and wife.  “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”  Though they separate themselves from their parents and devote themselves to each other, they cannot escape the impact their family has on their attitudes and actions.

A child is born with certain innate physical and mental characteristics, as a result of their genetics.  They may be as strong and un-moveable as a wall around a fortress, or they may be more like a door, yielding easily to the desires and intentions of others.  The family shapes and develops those characteristics, in large part determining what the person will be like when they grow up and how they will be as a mate.  A loving family endeavors to make them the best they can be.  It is the family that determines whether a strong and strong willed child becomes a selfish bully, a rebellious trouble- maker , or a strong caring  member of the community,  The family will impact every relationship including their marriage for the rest of their lives. 

As the person ages, those attitudes and traits become more firmly set as a result of repeated practice, so that what was just an annoyance in their teens or twenties becomes unbearable in their sixties.  Many times the older person’s children are stunned by seemingly out of character actions, not realizing they are only the culmination of years of practice.

The woman in the song recognizes herself as a wall, but recognizes that her lover accepts who she is.   No family is perfect, and it is the individual’s choice how far they choose to carry those attitudes they learned.  She can make adjustments to please her mate, or she can focus on her own desires.   

“Solomon had a vineyard at Baalhamon; he let out the vineyard unto keepers; every one for the fruit thereof was to bring a thousand pieces of silver.

My vineyard, which is mine, is before me: thou, O Solomon, must have a thousand, and those that keep the fruit thereof two hundred. ” (Song of Solomon 8:11-12)

Knowing what it takes for her to manage her own small vineyard, she can understand a little of how complex Solomon’s job must be trying to manage two hundred workers in his vineyards.   An important part of showing love is learning to consider what the other person is dealing with, rather than focusing only on our own problems.  Though men and women express their feelings differently, they experience the same ones.  Taking the time to think about how something affects us helps us to understand what our mate feels.  When we do, we can adjust our reaction to help them.  Unfortunately, there has been a great deal of effort devoted to emphasizing the differences in expression and ignoring the similarities of feelings in modern society.   

“ Thou that dwellest in the gardens, the companions hearken to thy voice: cause me to hear it.  Make haste, my beloved, and be thou like to a roe or to a young hart upon the mountains of spices.” (Song of Solomon 8:13-14)

The people our spouses work and associate with pay attention to them and give them affirmation.  If we are to maintain a strong relationship, we need to learn to listen and pay attention to what our mates are saying, realizing most communication is non- verbal.  We need to make them want to come to home to us rather than dreading it.  They need to have that feeling of freedom and enjoyment of a deer on the mountain instead of a constant feeling of rejection and worthlessness.

Balancing Relationships

Song of Solomon 8:1-7

“O that thou wert as my brother, that sucked the breasts of my mother! when I should find thee without, I would kiss thee; yea, I should not be despised.  I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate.  His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.  I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, until he please. ” (Song of Solomon 8:1-4)

When a couple come together in marriage, there are always conflicts as a result of their different family cultures.  The woman wishes she could have known him from his very birth sharing his childhood experiences and having the same teaching and examples to minimize the conflicts.  Then she would know how to meet his desires even better, and would be even more able to accept his love and embraces without reservation.  She loves the thought of cuddling with him and doesn’t want anyone to disturb them. 

“Who is this that cometh up from the wilderness, leaning upon her beloved? I raised thee up under the apple tree: there thy mother brought thee forth: there she brought thee forth that bare thee. ” (Song of Solomon 8:5)

She had been brought up in a loving home with few problems, yet loving and being loved has dramatically changed her.  Her whole attitude has changed and it is visible as she comes from a walk in the country or dessert with her lover’s arm around her.  Even her family hardly recognizes her.  

“Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame.  Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned. ” (Song of Solomon 8:6-7)

Sarah and Abraham had lied to Abimelech about Sarah being Abraham’s wife.  As a result he got involved with her, and was hurt to learn the truth.  In Genesis 20:16, he told her, “…behold, he is to thee a covering of the eyes, unto all that are with thee, and with all other: thus she was reproved.”  Her love for Abraham should have prevented her from even looking at another man, and should be obvious enough to keep others from thinking she would consider it. 

Love is a powerful force in person’s life, and jealousy is a cruel emotion to inflict on another person, especially one you claim to love.  It is almost like torturing them by shoving their arm into a fire.  Fortunately, love is so strong that no amount of water can quench it, and as I Corinthians 13:8 says, “Charity never faileth…”  Contrary to popular belief, people do not simply fall into and out of love.

The sex act produces a powerful emotional bond that is often mistaken for love, but real love involves making a choice.   This is obvious when Paul commands, “Husbands, love your wives,”  in both Ephesians 5:25 and Colossians 3:19.  In Titus 2:4, he commanded the older women to “…teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,” making it clear that love is not something that just happens.   

When both the sexual bonding and the will are involved the love that results is nearly unbreakable.  If either is neglected, the love is greatly weakened.  The strongest defense against an ungodly, promiscuous lifestyle is the development of a strong healthy love relationship, as described in I Corinthians 7:2-5.  “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.   Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.  The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.  Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”

For the proper relationship, there must be both the strong love or benevolence in which we choose to show the respect and concern for the other person, and the proper sexual element.  If either is lacking the marriage is weakened dramatically.    Unfortunately, in both the religious and the secular world, there is a tendency in modern society to focus on one or the other, leaving the relationship out of balance.  

Expressing Love

Song of Solomon 7:1-13

“How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince's daughter! the joints of thy thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a cunning workman.  Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor: thy belly is like an heap of wheat set about with lilies.  Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins.  Thy neck is as a tower of ivory; thine eyes like the fishpools in Heshbon, by the gate of Bathrabbim: thy nose is as the tower of Lebanon which looketh toward Damascus.  Thine head upon thee is like Carmel, and the hair of thine head like purple; the king is held in the galleries.  How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights!

This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.  I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples; And the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak. ” (Song of Solomon 7:1-9)

Proverbs 27:5 tells us, “Open rebuke is better than secret love.”   Solomon makes it a point to remind the Shulamite woman how much he loves her and how attractive he finds her.  He describes various aspects of her appearance and figure, then expresses his wish to touch and hold her.  Kissing her is one of the most satisfying things he can imagine. 

Unfortunately, as a relationship matures, there is a tendency stop expressing these feelings, assuming that our mate already knows how much we love them.  Far too often we only talk about the things we don’t like and after a while our mate begins to doubt our love for them.  Though they still love us, they cease to express their love, feeling that we don’t care.  This leads to our feeling they don’t care and the problem grows, feeding on the actions of both parties. 

In order to maintain that first love we once experienced, it is necessary to focus on the things we find attractive and pleasing rather than the things that are wrong.   We can never sort out all the things that are wrong and properly fix the blame, but by focusing on things that we find attractive, we can move those irritants to the background where they have less impact.   We make the final decision as to the attitude within our relationship.   Too often the decision is made by default, copying what we saw our parents or others do rather than making a conscious choice.  Once again Solomon has shown us the proper way. 

“I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me.  Come, my beloved, let us go forth into the field; let us lodge in the villages.  Let us get up early to the vineyards; let us see if the vine flourish, whether the tender grape appear, and the pomegranates bud forth: there will I give thee my loves.  The mandrakes give a smell, and at our gates are all manner of pleasant fruits, new and old, which I have laid up for thee, O my beloved. ” (Song of Solomon 7:10-13)

Assured of his love, the woman wants to go with him, doing the things he enjoys.  Instead of focusing on going to the opera or to some big event, she wants to go camping, go out and work in the garden with him.  It is in these mundane, everyday activities that real love is best communicated.   

The modern focus on getting more things and participating in parties and romantic getaways often creates an emotional illusion that prevents demonstrating or developing real love.  This is shown he constant breakups and remarriages of those involved in the entertainment industry and the very rich.  If romantic dinners, exotic vacations and nice homes produced real love these people would never get divorces or switch partners.  Clearly the entertainment industries depiction of love isn’t very satisfactory. 

The Unity of Love

Song of Solomon 6:1-13

“Whither is thy beloved gone, O thou fairest among women? whither is thy beloved turned aside? that we may seek him with thee. 

My beloved is gone down into his garden, to the beds of spices, to feed in the gardens, and to gather lilies.  I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies.” (Song of Solomon 6:1-3)

The other women asked the lady where her husband is, and she stated that he had gone down to the garden to refresh himself, working among the beds of spices and gathering lilies.   She recognizes his emotional need.  She then pointed out something that is commonly ignored in our day.

In Genesis 2:24, God had just instituted marriage and he said, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”  As a result of the sexual union they become as emotionally intertwined and interdependent as if they were a single individual, and Psychologists say that losing a mate, whether through death or divorce is as emotionally devastating as losing an arm or leg.  Even a short, unhappy relationship takes at least a year to heal, and the scars remain far longer.   

For the physical body to function properly it is necessary the various parts work together.  If the legs refuse to go where the rest of the body directs them so can obtain food, the body slowly starves.    In the same way, if one spouse decides their desire and needs takes precedence, the relationship begins to die.   I Corinthians 7:4 states, “The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.” 

I Corinthians 6:16-17 describes a similar connection between the Christian and the Lord.  “What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh.  But he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit.”

“Thou art beautiful, O my love, as Tirzah, comely as Jerusalem, terrible as an army with banners.  Turn away thine eyes from me, for they have overcome me: thy hair is as a flock of goats that appear from Gilead.  Thy teeth are as a flock of sheep which go up from the washing, whereof every one beareth twins, and there is not one barren among them.  As a piece of a pomegranate are thy temples within thy locks. ” (Song of Solomon 6:4-7)

Once again she describes the beauty she sees in her mate.  He is as pleasant as the most beautiful cities in Israel, and as emotionally upsetting as an army in full dress.  His looking at her causes her emotions to run amok.   She is fascinated by his hair or his teeth, and the skin of his temples is totally distracting. 

“There are threescore queens, and fourscore concubines, and virgins without number.  My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her.  Who is she that looketh forth as the morning, fair as the moon, clear as the sun, and terrible as an army with banners? ” (Song of Solomon 6:8-10)

There are lots of other women available, both rich and poor, but her lover sees only one.  She is reserved solely for him, raised by a loving mother.  The other women respect and admire her.  She is as beautiful as the moon or clear as the sunlight. And as upsetting as an army in full array. 

“I went down into the garden of nuts to see the fruits of the valley, and to see whether the vine flourished, and the pomegranates budded.   Or ever I was aware, my soul made me like the chariots of Amminadib.   Return, return, O Shulamite; return, return, that we may look upon thee. What will ye see in the Shulamite? As it were the company of two armies. ” (Song of Solomon 6:11-13)

He had gone down to the garden to see how things were growing.  Suddenly he found himself thinking about her, filled with love for her and wanting to get back to her.  Seeing her again would be as exciting as seeing two armies coming together.   His little time away has only emphasized his love for her.   

An Unintentional Hurt

Song of Solomon 5:1-16

“I am come into my garden, my sister, my spouse: I have gathered my myrrh with my spice; I have eaten my honeycomb with my honey; I have drunk my wine with my milk: eat, O friends; drink, yea, drink abundantly, O beloved.” (Song of Solomon 5:1)

The man has gone into his garden to eat and to enjoy things he likes and to gather some to share with his spouse, bringing her sweets and perfumes, then comes to her door and finds her asleep. 

“I sleep, but my heart waketh: it is the voice of my beloved that knocketh, saying, Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my undefiled: for my head is filled with dew, and my locks with the drops of the night.  I have put off my coat; how shall I put it on? I have washed my feet; how shall I defile them?” (Song of Solomon 5:2-3)

She heard her husband knocking but she was sleepy and had a hard time getting woke up.  When she did, she didn’t want to get up because she wasn’t dressed and she didn’t want to get her feet dirty, so for a few moments she didn’t answer.   Far too often, we get so caught up in our own comfort and convenience that those who love us end up turning away because they don’t feel free to disturb us.  Sometimes, they get the feeling other things matter more than they do. 

“My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.  I rose up to open to my beloved; and my hands dropped with myrrh, and my fingers with sweet smelling myrrh, upon the handles of the lock.  I opened to my beloved; but my beloved had withdrawn himself, and was gone: my soul failed when he spake: I sought him, but I could not find him; I called him, but he gave me no answer. ” (Song of Solomon 5:4-6)

She heard him trying to get the door open, but she had locked it and he couldn’t.  She suddenly realized she wanted him to be with her, so she got up and opened the door, but by the time she got around to it he had gone elsewhere, not wanting to disturb her sleep.  Now she went looking for him.   It takes a special effort to overcome such unintentional hurts, and this lady made the effort.  She recognized her part in his going elsewhere.   People who will not admit their actions or words may have hurt the other person tend to blame him for feeling hurt, and make no effort to correct it.    

The watchmen that went about the city found me, they smote me, they wounded me; the keepers of the walls took away my veil from me.  I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if ye find my beloved, that ye tell him, that I am sick of love.” (Song of Solomon 5:7-8)

She was out after curfew, and the police picked her up.  They were not very understanding and her feelings were hurt.  She asked the other women who were out to look for her husband and tell him wanted him to come, even if it woke her up.   She wanted him to understand how much she loved him.

  

“What is thy beloved more than another beloved, O thou fairest among women? what is thy beloved more than another beloved, that thou dost so charge us? ” (Song of Solomon 5:9)

The other women don’t understand why she’s worried about that man, after all she is beautiful and there are other men who could surely make her happy.  What made him so special?   It was the same attitude I experienced when my wife left me, that there were lots of other women so I should just forget about her.  It shows how little the world understands about love.   

“My beloved is white and ruddy, the chiefest among ten thousand.  His head is as the most fine gold, his locks are bushy, and black as a raven.  His eyes are as the eyes of doves by the rivers of waters, washed with milk, and fitly set.  His cheeks are as a bed of spices, as sweet flowers: his lips like lilies, dropping sweet smelling myrrh.  His hands are as gold rings set with the beryl: his belly is as bright ivory overlaid with sapphires.  His legs are as pillars of marble, set upon sockets of fine gold: his countenance is as Lebanon, excellent as the cedars.  His mouth is most sweet: yea, he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem. ” (Song of Solomon 5:10-16)

How do you explain why you love someone?  The lady describes how she sees him, as extremely handsome.  To her, he is better looking than ten thousand other men.  He is altogether lovely to her, and most importantly, she loves him and he is her friend.  All those other men are just not him.   

Ravished

Song of Solomon 4:1-16

One of Satan’s most effective tools is discontent, and it is very destructive in a marriage.  Hebrews 13 4-5 instructs the Christian: “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.   Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.”  All advertising is designed to make you dissatisfied with what you have, and cause one to covet the newest thing available.   One advertising executive is quoted as saying sex sells, so sell sex.  As a result most advertising has a sexual element, from a very attractive spokesperson or romantic setting to suggestive innuendo and openly sexual behavior.   

As Christians it is critical that we not allow Satan to gain power over us in this area.  In Proverbs 5:18-20, Solomon tells us how to avoid the temptation.  “Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.  Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.  And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger?”   It shows how we ought to view our mate.  Urban cultures may find his descriptions almost insulting, but to people who live in an agricultural society they have tremendous meaning.   

“Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves' eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead.  Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing; whereof every one bear twins, and none is barren among them. ” (Song of Solomon 4:1-2)

To him her eyes are as gentle and pleasant as those of a dove, and her hair is as beautiful to see as a herd of goats streaming off the side of a mountain.  Her teeth are as white and beautiful as a bunch of freshly sheared sheep, who had just been washed for a show, with no missing or broken teeth. 

“Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet, and thy speech is comely: thy temples are like a piece of a pomegranate within thy locks.  Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armoury, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men.  Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies.  Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, I will get me to the mountain of myrrh, and to the hill of frankincense.  Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee.  Come with me from Lebanon, my spouse, with me from Lebanon: look from the top of Amana, from the top of Shenir and Hermon, from the lions' dens, from the mountains of the leopards.”(Song of Solomon 4:3-8)

Her skin is beautiful to him and she has a pretty mouth, and more importantly, he enjoys listening to her.   He sees her body as a beautiful thing, and longs to touch and hold her.   To him there is nothing he would change.    He would love to have her accompany him to see the things he has seen. 

In our world the idea of beauty had been taken over by the fashion and beauty industries, with the result people expect their mates to look like the most popular models or actors.   People who don’t meet the cookie cutter standard are viewed and made to feel as if they are less valuable.    Both sides need to learn to accept that they are made in the way that pleases God and not constantly fret that they or their mate doesn’t measure up to the world’s ideal.  Until we do, we are not experiencing or demonstrating real love.   

“Thou hast ravished my heart, my sister, my spouse; thou hast ravished my heart with one of thine eyes, with one chain of thy neck.  How fair is thy love, my sister, my spouse! how much better is thy love than wine! and the smell of thine ointments than all spices!  Thy lips, O my spouse, drop as the honeycomb: honey and milk are under thy tongue; and the smell of thy garments is like the smell of Lebanon. ” (Song of Solomon 4:9-11)

She has filled and taken control of his heart, and just a glance from her or a glimpse of a necklace around her neck can set his heart pounding.    Being loved by her is more pleasant than anything he could ever want.   He doesn’t feel she is always putting somebody down or griping at him.  We live in a day where deliberate rude and offensive speech is passed off as just being honest, and saying “I don’t mean to be rude” only emphasizes that one knows he is being rude.  It quickly becomes very annoying and discouraging, especially when directed at oneself.  Because it is so common today, it is easy to begin to look for things to be offended at.   Both sides need to be aware of both problems and demonstrate their love by avoiding them.

“A garden enclosed is my sister, my spouse; a spring shut up, a fountain sealed.  Thy plants are an orchard of pomegranates, with pleasant fruits; camphire, with spikenard, Spikenard and saffron; calamus and cinnamon, with all trees of frankincense; myrrh and aloes, with all the chief spices: A fountain of gardens, a well of living waters, and streams from Lebanon.  

Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits. ” (Song of Solomon 4:12-16)

His wife is like a private garden, the beauties and pleasures of which are reserved for himself alone.  Being with her is relaxing and refreshing, deeply satisfying.  It is exactly what the wife wants to be for her husband, someone he wants to come home to, rather than dreading coming home.    

Demonstrating Love

Song of Solomon 3:1-11

“By night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but I found him not.  I will rise now, and go about the city in the streets, and in the broad ways I will seek him whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but I found him not.

“The watchmen that go about the city found me: to whom I said, Saw ye him whom my soul loveth?  It was but a little that I passed from them, but I found him whom my soul loveth: I held him, and would not let him go, until I had brought him into my mother's house, and into the chamber of her that conceived me.  I charge you, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, by the roes, and by the hinds of the field, that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, till he please.” (Song of Solomon 3:1-5)

When she realized her husband was not in bed, the woman decided to go see what was wrong.  She was aware that something was not normal.  She went hunting for the person she loved, even walking the streets to find him.  Along the way she met the police and asked if they had seen them.   Finally she found him and stayed with him until he finally was able to relax and go back to sleep.  When he did she made a special effort to make sure he was not disturbed until he was rested.    Real love is concerned about the things that trouble their mate.  They don’t just blow it off and go back to sleep or whatever they were doing.  They realize the things that matter the most are often the hardest to talk about and are willing to wait.

“Who is this that cometh out of the wilderness like pillars of smoke, perfumed with myrrh and frankincense, with all powders of the merchant?  Behold his bed, which is Solomon's; threescore valiant men are about it, of the valiant of Israel.  They all hold swords, being expert in war: every man hath his sword upon his thigh because of fear in the night. ” (Song of Solomon 3:6-8)

She recognized the pressures on her husband.   He couldn’t always be at her side, coming like a puff of smoke when he wasn’t expected and their relationship was always affected by his job.  She realized the importance of what he did and the need for constantly being on call and supported him in it. 

“King Solomon made himself a chariot of the wood of Lebanon.  He made the pillars thereof of silver, the bottom thereof of gold, the covering of it of purple, the midst thereof being paved with love, for the daughters of Jerusalem.  Go forth, O ye daughters of Zion, and behold king Solomon with the crown wherewith his mother crowned him in the day of his espousals, and in the day of the gladness of his heart. ” (Song of Solomon 3:9-11)

It is not clear why the word here was translated chariot.  So far as I can tell this is the only time it is used in the scriptures, and it refers to a Palanquin or litter similar to those seen in other cultures.  It was constructed of wood,   and overlaid with gold and silver with a purple top.  It was made especially for going among the people.  They could see Solomon in all his regal attire, like people flocking to see the president’s motorcade.  It was a thrill to his wife to see him thus and remember when they were married. 

In our modern world there is a tendency to get so caught up in our own careers and activities that we are oblivious to our mate’s concerns.   We hear a lot about the need for more communication in marriage.  They usually mean we need to talk more.    Most communication is nonverbal.    When we jump to conclusions about what they mean instead of listening, we communicate we really aren’t interested in what they mean.  Walking out of the room or turning on the vacuum cleaner when the person is trying to explain their feelings or telling them how it’s going to be   conveys the same message.    The problem is not a lack of communication, but with what is being communicated. 

Each time we do such things we push them farther away, and eventually they quit trying to share their feelings.   It is not that they don’t want to share, but that they feel we resent having to talk to them.  Clearly what we are doing matters more than they do.  The marriage grows increasingly unsatisfactory and often ends in divorce.  Just taking the time to listen and showing concern for their feelings demonstrates our love. 

When we consistently ignore what God says, we cease to hear the Holy Spirit speaking and our relationship with God deteriorates just like what happens in the marriage.    As often happens, we blame God for not speaking to us rather than realizing we are pushing him away.  

Watch Out For Little Foxes

Song of Solomon 2:1-17

“I am the rose of Sharon, and the lily of the valleys.

“As the lily among thorns, so is my love among the daughters.” (Song of Solomon2:1-2)

Both singers describe the woman as native wildflowers.  An artist was troubled that her paintings of wildflowers didn’t look quite right.  A more experienced artist pointed out that she was painting them as perfect flowers while the real ones had pieces eaten away by insects and petals that had been damaged by the wind and frost.  A big part of their beauty actually comes from those flaws that make them unique.   That they are surrounded by stickers and weeds emphasizes their beauty. 

We are often told love is blind.  The truth is that real love sees the person’s flaws and foibles as part of the person and loves them anyway.  Infatuation sees the person as perfect and usually turns away when they get close enough to see the flaws.  Until we can accept and appreciate those flaws, understanding where they come from, we cannot truly love the person.    The best part is that God loved us while we were still sinners and his enemies, before we bloomed.   

“As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons.  I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.  He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love.” (Song of Solomon 2:3-4)

The woman’s lover is not just another man.  He is as different as an apple tree surrounded by juniper and pine trees.  He stands out even from a distance.  She can be content sitting in his shade and enjoying the fruit he produces, and has no desire to look for something more.  She hardly even sees them, as Abimelech told Sarah in Genesis 20:16, “…behold, he is to thee a covering of the eyes, unto all that are with thee, and with all other…”

Contrary to what the poets and songwriters have said, Christ is not he rose of Sharon or the lily of the valley.  He is not just an imperfect flower among a bunch of thorns.  He is the apple tree in the middle of the forest, and if we love him we hardly even notice what the world offers.     

“Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples: for I am sick of love. So 2:6 His left hand is under my head, and his right hand doth embrace me.  I charge you, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, by the roes, and by the hinds of the field, that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, till he please. ” (Song of Solomon 2:5-7)

When we are sharing periods of intimacy with one we love, we want tit to go on and on, and resent anything that interrupts it.  In love, the focus is not on the sex act itself, but on the touching and holding and making emotional connections.   Sexual gratification is only a pleasurable side benefit.   By focusing on the sex act itself, the world has missed out on real love, with even the sex act soon becoming meaningless. 

Unfortunately, the focus on emotional highs and activities has had a similar effect on the church.  People are no longer experiencing the day to day pleasures of intimacy with Christ.  Before long even the emotional highs get old and they begin to look elsewhere. 

“The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills.  My beloved is like a roe or a young hart: behold, he standeth behind our wall, he looketh forth at the windows, showing himself through the lattice. ” (Song of Solomon2:8-9)

When we are deeply in love, just the sight of the loved one gives a thrill of pleasure, like seeing a deer crossing a field or peeking over the fence at us so that we hardly dare move for fear of driving him away.   

“My beloved spake, and said unto me, Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.  For, lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone; The flowers appear on the earth; the time of the singing of birds is come, and the voice of the turtle is heard in our land; The fig tree putteth forth her green figs, and the vines with the tender grape give a good smell. Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away.  O my dove, that art in the clefts of the rock, in the secret places of the stairs, let me see thy countenance, let me hear thy voice; for sweet is thy voice, and thy countenance is comely.” (Song of Solomon 2:10-14)

When we are truly in love we want to share everything with our beloved.  Even a dandelion in the lawn or a bird singing is so moving and the budding fruit trees and garden crops hold such promise and seem so wonderful, and the best part is sharing them with someone you love. 

 

“Take us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines: for our vines have tender grapes. (Song of Solomon 2:15)

It is fairly simple to build a fence to keep large animals like cows or horses out of your garden.  Unfortunately, little foxes can go through holes in the fence the cows can’t.  In addition they may dig under or climb over it, and the nicer the and more productive the garden is the harder they will try to get in.  They must be caught and dealt with individually.

In a similar way, it is fairly simple to guard a love relationship, whether for the Lord or for a mate from big things such as adultery or turning to another religion.  It is far harder to protect against the little things that annoy us.  As one marriage counsellor described it, far more divorces start with frustration over things like which way the mate puts the toilet paper on the roller or how they fold the towels than with some major event.  Such attitudes are very invidious and can sneak into even the best relationships.   Like the little foxes, once they get in, they continues to multiply until the relationship is destroyed, if they are not dealt with.   

“My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies.  Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, turn, my beloved, and be thou like a roe or a young hart upon the mountains of Bether. ” (Song of Solomon2:16-17)

It is stealing to take away something that belongs to somebody else, whether you sell it or give it away, or just lock it up where they can’t get it.  When we mate, we become one flesh and no longer belong to ourselves.   We no longer have the right to act unilaterally.  We have taken on responsibility for our mate’s wellbeing as well as our own.   We have become co-dependent in that both lives are dependent on the actions of both parties.  Unfortunately, psychologists have redefined the word to refer only to the feeding of negative emotions, giving it a bad connotation.    

First Love

Song of Solomon 1:1-17

The song of songs, which is Solomon's. ” (Song of Solomon 1:1)

The Song of Solomon is a love song.   It is written in the form of a duet between Solomon and his lover, with each expressing their love for the other.   While it describes a real love story, it is an allegory illustrating the relationship of God with his people.   In Revelation 2:1-5, God warned the church of Ephesus that he was not pleased because they had left their first love.   The Song of Solomon demonstrates that first love.    

“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.  Because of the savour of thy good ointments thy name is as ointment poured forth, therefore do the virgins love thee.  Draw me, we will run after thee: the king hath brought me into his chambers: we will be glad and rejoice in thee, we will remember thy love more than wine: the upright love thee. ” (Song of Solomon 1:2-4)

When a young couple first falls in love, they just want to be held and kissed.  Nothing else compares with being together, and they are thrilled just to hear their lover’s name spoken.    They are thrilled to be invited to activity they would normally avoid like the plague simply because they will be together.  They are filled with love for each other. 

“I am black, but comely, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, as the tents of Kedar, as the curtains of Solomon.  Look not upon me, because I am black, because the sun hath looked upon me: my mother's children were angry with me; they made me the keeper of the vineyards; but mine own vineyard have I not kept. ” (Song of Solomon 1:5-6)

A book I read described love as being happy with the other person just as they are.   The woman describes herself as sunburned and her hands are rough from working in the fields and not being able to care for herself like others might.  She doesn’t have perfect makeup or finely manicured hands.  She doesn’t think of herself as a great beauty, but she knows she is attractive.  She is not the trophy wife or the best girlfriend ever, she is just herself.    He loves her for who she is rather than what she does or what she looks like. 

“Tell me, O thou whom my soul loveth, where thou feedest, where thou makest thy flock to rest at noon: for why should I be as one that turneth aside by the flocks of thy companions?

If thou know not, O thou fairest among women, go thy way forth by the footsteps of the flock, and feed thy kids beside the shepherds' tents.   I have compared thee, O my love, to a company of horses in Pharaoh's chariots.  Thy cheeks are comely with rows of jewels, thy neck with chains of gold.  We will make thee borders of gold with studs of silver. ” (Song of Solomon 1:7-11)

Knowing he can’t leave his job, she wants to come and spend the noon hour with him.  She doesn’t want to spend her time with others.    Because he loves her, he tells her how to find him.  To him she is the most beautiful woman alive, even though others may think she is less beautiful.    He finds her as exciting and attractive as crack military troop on parade.  Her cheeks are like jewels and her neck is a beautiful as a gold necklace.  He looks forward to buying her some jewelry to compliment her looks. 

Though we are aware of all our imperfections, Christ sees us as perfect.  He is looking forward to the time when he can give us the things he wants to share. 

“While the king sitteth at his table, my spikenard sendeth forth the smell thereof.  A bundle of myrrh is my wellbeloved unto me; he shall lie all night betwixt my breasts.  My beloved is unto me as a cluster of camphire in the vineyards of Engedi. ” (Song of Solomon 1:12-14)

To the woman, everything about Solomon is attractive.  The only desire is to spend time with him.  They are drawn together like bees to a sweet smelling fi. 

“Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves' eyes.  Behold, thou art fair, my beloved, yea, pleasant: also our bed is green.  The beams of our house are cedar, and our rafters of fir. ” (Song of Solomon 1:15-17)

To the man she is so beautiful, with the soft gentleness of a pigeon or dove.  It is such a pleasure to be with her, just laying out on the grass under the trees.   Their joy comes from being together, not from what they have or their surroundings.